A Response To Mr. Naked Twister.

My best friend penned this response to the winner of Wednesday night, and his words had me laughing so loudly and so racously, I couldn’t not share. 

Away we go…

“Ok, ok…. I am caught between two emotions here; on one hand I want mock this guy like he’s a cheesy guest star on The Fresh Prince of Bel Air – and on the other hand I want to quietly support you in getting to know him better; for maybe he IS like a fine wine. He could get better with time, and he has probably spent a lot of time in a basement.
….looks like I’m leaning toward a Fresh Prince response eh?
So seriously – who actually IM’s like that?  Do 34 year olds actually know about IM?  
Wait….was he on To Catch a Predator? Is that how he knows about online chats?
…Think about it, we started IM’ing when we were maybe what, 17 or 18?  Which means IM became part of his life AFTER college…which means he grew up USING A PHONE.
Which is probably my biggest problem with this IM conversation = that it is an IM conversation. 
Think about the people you call; people in your life you don’t like. This is part of our society – calling people on a phone. What is NOT engrained in our social fabric? Naked Twister. Even the porn industry has passed that idea up… (Well, that’s an undocumented guess on my part.)  ANYWAY…
And while I’m at it, whoever thinks it’s ok to bring up the past when there is the next thing present  is socially inept. When you bring a new puppy home; you don’t even mention the old puppy to the new one – and this is DOGS we’re talking about here. (Well, I guess it’s a universal rule – never mention old bitches…)
My point is: REAL mean don’t ever put REAL women in uncomfortable positions of comparison. EVER. Women should not feel compared to exes, billboards, mother-in-laws, pastor wives, and so on. The fact that men do it on a regular basis just needs to stop. (Sorry for the quick rant.)
This, however, leads to my next rant about awkward men.
Gone are the days when the rough man could still wear a suit out and look good smoking an unfiltered cigarette all while discussing politics, wine, or the latest book he read. Nope, today’s topics include delightful pieces of baggage like “ex fiancées”, “computer chat room experiences”, and “flirting by calling you names.”
To be clear this is how I read your conversation:
Him: hey im insecure and use poor grammar
You: Oh hey Dream Boat! I’m super excited and being deliberate in getting to know you!
Him: whatever my sh*t don’t stink
You: HAHAHA! I give you the benefit of the doubt in everything you say!
Him:  that reminds me that I hate to try and don’t pursue women but hope in desperation that one will eventually fall for me also I have a unibrow
You: YOU. ARE. GREAT. How did you know exactly what to say to me?
Him: i don’t actually engage you I just feel like its my turn to write something
You: That’s OK! How are you doing? I am interested in talking with you!
Him: i am actually asleep
You: HAHAHAHA! You’re not funny but I will act like you are!
Him: the tone of everything I write is so effn painful but I think im hilarious and want to be as lazy as possible with interpersonal relationships and accuse you of dumbass observations
You: Exclamatory statement here! This is me masking how much I am projecting a personality onto you!
Him: people think I am awesome and I agree
You: I am interpreting you’re absent mindedness and inability to talk like an adult as a sign of your latent genius.
Him: you use big words
You: I am still in denial about your amazing personality.
Him: I only have a cell number because my parents have a family plan so its affordable but if you call I am probably too busy reading sideways stories from wayside school
You: Thanks for talking with me!!!
….and those are my thoughts.”

I’ve said it once and I will say it again… I have the best friends.
Thank God that mixed into my life are great men who really “get it” … men like my brothers, and best friend, and Luke Danes.

Until next time!

Of Course He Left His Wallet At Home,

Unlimited Soup, Salad, & Awkwardness.

Okay okay… I don’t want to talk about, I **eeek** don’t really want to admit it, but as my social circle has shrunk and my church has baby-boomed and my job consists of 1 single man… who’s gay & cute as a button in short-shorts…  my dating world has now shifted completely on it’s axis.

Helloooooooo magical land of the internets. 
What’s up world wide web?
Will you answer the age old question of “Will Kate find love or will she grow to be the New York Time’s subject of splashy headline ‘World’s Oldest Virgin’?!”

It’s not going well.
It hasn’t been going well.
And while it’s all quite laughable, and has given me fodder for my currently-being-scripted special “Comedy Central Presents: Kiss My Ass Dr. Neil Clark Warren” …some of it is just unbelievable.

Let’s start with the basics.
Please do not try to make a love connection with me if:
*Your only photos consist of you just out of the shower snapping your wet abs with your camera phone.
Please, find some friends, or borrow your neighbors friends, take them to a ball game… any ball game… and have someone else take a pic of you laughing and/or high-fiving.  Anything that resembles normal, healthy, adult friendships and your capability of having a normal life.

*Don’t create a screenname that ends in “izzle” …no…I don’t care if “JSmith27” is taken, try again. Here are some real examples of other classics we’re dealing with folks: “Lookyn4MyQween”, “HotBodyBachelor”, “SexyStoner”, “DoUJuannaBeer”, and my personal favorite… “InsecureWalrus.”

*Try not to be creepy. Harder said than done apparently, seeing as how one bespectacled gentleman listed his interests as “Burlesque shows are pretty nice.” And a triathelete informed the online dating world and all interested females that “If your thighs are bigger than mine, I can tell you right now, we won’t fall in love.”

All that to say, there are minefields and beartraps galore in this sticky world of cyberspace mingling, and yet…after a longer-than-I’d-want-to-admit trial period… I thought I might have stumbled upon a keeper…

A tall, Jesus-loving, goofball 6th grade teacher with his MBA who claimed to be hilarious, with precious Eeyore eyes that lived not too far away.

We began communicating, and when the amount of time I deemed “long enough for him to want to ask me out to dinner” had passed by, I was surprised to hear from him that he was, in fact, not interested because I… wait for … no really… get ready…

was too dry and low-key.

What? …I’m sorry WHAT?!
I was speechless; which is also quite out of character.  (Must have creeped up on me along with the low-key dryness.)

After a day or two of processing HOW IN THE WORLD he would’ve gotten that impression, I sent him a little e-mail  (after a proofread by my best buddy Zach) and attempted to simeoultaneously convince him that if he was looking for a girl that wasn’t dry and low-key, than DING! DING! DING! Here I am! and also that I wasn’t a desperate creep just sitting around waiting for his invitation to the Olive Garden.

 Well, it worked, and within hours he sent me a sweet lil’ message asking me out to dinner next week when he’s on Spring Break.

And then…whilst traipsing happily along in “thinking of which shoes I’ll wear” clouds… SNAP! …and there went the iron teeth of “this place ain’t for you sister” around my ankles.

The next night he initiated a conversation…on INSTANT MESSENGER. 
(Yes, the same tool that was used for “Hey, meet me after class tomorrow” ten years ago when I was a pocket-sized-dorm-room resident.)  IM? No…not for me.  But, I caved…

And below…
For your viewing pleasure…
Is truly the most painful conversation I’ve every tippy-tap-tapped.
(You’re welcome.)

“Him: hey putz
Me: Hi! …oh geez… back to the classic IMing… I hate this 😉
Him:well i hate emailig so you can mega bite me;) takes too long…so if we go out can we play naked twister and practice our skills at kungfu sheep shearing
do you text?
Me: Why yes, I do… I also have a lyrical speaking voice and am fabulous “live & in person”
Him: lol i am burnt out talking on the phone, my ex and i were long distance so i was on the phonea lot, i’m enjoying not having to be 🙂
Me: Yeesh, hmm, ok
Him: lol i know i know i’m difficult i just like keeping it casual
Me: Ditto
Him: at least at first
Me: Ditto
Him: so can i say something without sounding like too much of a guy?
Me: Hahahaha, go for it
Him: well i like your curves….in my previous relationship, she had absolutely no curves…while that shouldnt ultmately matter, it’s nice when a girl has the curves, more feminne that way 🙂
***Time lapse***
Me: Honestly, I’m realllllly low-pressure… I’m glad we’re going to go out in a couple of weeks, but I really rather meeting someone and seeing what they’re like “in real life”, so I’m A-ok with you not calling every 5 minutes.  It’ll be fun to get to know a total stranger… hope you’re awesome. 
Him: i dont like spending too much time chatting before meeting….no expectations that way
Me: I totally agree
Him: i went on a date last weekend, but wasn’t feeling it
Me: I don’t know what to say about that… I don’t think I’m too sad for you.
Him: too sad?
ohhh got it
Him: she and i had talked a long tme ago, before i met my ex fiance so we never met before
Me: Well, I’m sorry if the night was awkward or uncomfortable…but hopefully we’ll have a grand ol’ time
Him: oh it was fine, i’m a pretty outgoing guy, so i can do friendly no matter what
by the way, you’re a liar
Me: What?
Him: your profile says you want someone 25-33 and i’m 34, punk
Me: Well, yes, you’re old… I plan on bringing you a bottle of Centrum Silver as a nice gesture
Him: well it looks like someone will be getting her bottom lip pulled over her head soon
do you not ever chat on FB
Me: No… I am super intentional about relationships and can’t focus when dozens of people out of my ridiculous amount of wonderful friends are trying to carry on a conversation with me at the same time. I like being wholly “there” while someone is communicating with me
Him: i am like that in person but not just chatting on the compputer
Me: Maybe if I meet you in real life and you seem just wooonderful and not at all like someone whose face I might someday see at the Post Office, then we can be facebook friends and you can chat my ears off….or type my eyes out, or whatever the equivalent of that phrase might be
Him: ok but if i chat your ears off, i would have a hard time being physically attracted to you, maybe?
and ditto with the eyes
Me: Mmmmm, good point.  Luckily I have an AWESOME personality… and I’m super humble.
Him: and funny
Him: how much do you put on physical attraction? does it play a very big part in if you like someone
Me: Yes…Probably more than I should… but I’ve found that dating men ONLY because they’re hot isn’t what I want… (and just saying they love Jesus isn’t enough either.)
Him: i need attractive physical plus personality, one or the other and i’m not interested
Me: Well Chris, you sound like a guy who knows exactly what he wants
Him: i’m finding it hard to find a gril wh doesnt have kids, it’s getting tougher and tougher as i get older and older 😉
Me: Wow
Well. I don’t. Sooooo, there’s that.
Him: i have been talkig with a girl on the christian dating site i’m on but she has kids so i dont have much interest which sucks becasu she seems pretty cool
Me: Hmmmm, Iiiiiiii’m getting a little awkward… I’m sorry these other girls aren’t working out for you, but I don’t know if I’m the one to chat about it with
Him: hmmm….i think you might have your hopes up too much already maybe? i’m just looking to hang out for an evening as i do with others
if there is something there, awesome
Me: No, not at all, I just think that’s awkward
Him: why?  if you and i aren’t going out i guess i dont get it
Me: I totally agree, I don’t need any drama or expectations, but I also don’t want to fill you in on guys I may or may not be talking to or dating
Him: oh i wouldnt mind if you did
Me:  That’s ok… this is why I don’t love IMing, it’s too hard to sense someone’s tone or what they mean… I really appreciated all that you put in your profile, especially about the Lord, and you seem great… if we get to hang out, that’ll hopefully be fun, and we’ll just see what happens.
Him: ok i just dont’ want expectations…i’ve been there before on both ends and feelings get hurt that way, that’s all just being totally upfront and honest i guess
Me:  So have I…it’s not fun.  I don’t have a “Heartbreakers” tshirt for no reason.
Moving on… How was your day today?
Him: lol so does that mean i will fall madly for you and be crushed?
it was alright normal day i suppose
Me: Imparting wisdom and changing lives? …yea…totally typical. 🙂
Him: i won a teaching award so the news came to interview me and film me teaching
Me: “normal day I suppose” !!?!?! Looks like I’m not the only LIAR! That’s so wonderful! Congratulations!
Him: lol thanks
well i’m gonna get off of here now, homeslice
Me: ok, have a good night!
Him:  555 243 8587 if you wanna text me”


…and wow, here I am, yet again… speechless.
I can’t even choose a favorite part…
What’s yours?

My darling bestie Kate McKallagat wrote a draft of what should be my response… (I have the greatest friends. ‘Tis true.)


“Dear Chris (wait. is it Chris?),

I hope you’re having a great week (IN ALL HONESTY – I DON’T REALLY CARE, BUT HOW ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO START THIS E-MAIL?). I just wanted to shoot you a quick e-mail because I don’t think I’m going to be able to meet you for dinner in a couple of weeks (SCRATCH THAT. NO WAY IN HELL ARE WE GOING ON A DATE). The more we get to know each other (I.E. – THE MORE YOU USE WORDS LIKE “PUTZ” AND “HOMESLICE”) the more I am pretty sure that not only am I really not the kind of girl you’re looking for (I LOVED LIVING IN NYC AND I WOULD WEAR PEARLS TO YOGA), but you’re also not what I’m looking for (BECAUSE YOU DON’T NEED TO PROVE ANYTHING TO HIM). I don’t mean to offend you (BUT I WILL TELL YOU THE TRUTH – ESPECIALLY SINCE YOU THINK IT’S COOL TO TELL ME ABOUT OTHER DATES YOU’VE BEEN ON) – I know you gave me a second shot and I do appreciate that. I just don’t want us to waste our time (BECAUSE, TRUST ME – THAT IS THE CASE HERE). Take care!
Kate “I use product not DEP gel” Martin”

Which I think is pretty perfect, but I am now accepting submissions for replies.

I am also accepting suggestions as to where to meet someone that doesn’t inclue: work, church, Target, Bible Study, restaurants, bars, Indiana, & the internet. 
All I was hoping for was a little fettucine and maybe someone who didn’t think naked Twister was a swell first date suggestion and had never thought of, much less typed out, the phrase “Megabyte me” … oh well. 

Until next time!

Of Course He Left His Wallet At Home,

The Makeout Bandit.

He was a musician … that wore Burberry … with product in his hair …

We had met while I was in beauty school and he was, as all aspiring anyone’s are at some point, working as a Starbuck’s barista.
He actually asked out the girl friend I always stopped by with out on a date.

I never really thought much about him.  A year or so later I found out he’d been engaged to a friend of a friend… the following year or so, his younger sister that I’d worked with for a long time brought him up again.
It was the dawn of Facebook, and he became my friend. Then he got my number.  Then he started texting and calling.  Eventually we made plans for him to drive from Indianapolis to West Lafayette to take me out to dinner.

I cleaned the apartment, donned some J.Crew, and waited with anticipation.

45 minutes late to start, and strolled through the door without so much as an apology.

After he spent a questionably lengthy period of time in the bathroom, we left for dinner.  A classy sushi joint just a few minutes away… oh if only I knew what was coming…

We arrived only for me to find out that apparently he was best friends with every person in the joint.

I’m not kidding… the owners, the hostesses, the waiters, the kitchen staff, multiple patrons…! He even showed me where his PICTURE WAS ON THE WALL! So I slipped my shoes off as I was shown and dipped into the space where we were seated while he jumped from staff member to staff member and completely ignored me.

I studied the sashimi menu till he dained to sit down.  Instantly this chat-chat-chatterbox took off on a tangent about how he didn’t like my “vibe”…but that he thought he’d like me significantly more if he went out to the car to make out before dinner.


Back to your apartment?


Can we make out during the movie?


As if my refusals to play tonsil-hockey across town weren’t clue enough he reached…across…the…table…to…grab…my…boob!

I jumped back in horror to which he responded “What? Like it’s a sin to grab your boobs?”

I think I can count the times I’ve been left speechless on Mickey Mouse’s 4 fingered hand…but that was one of them.

Luckily I was out with someone who could talk about himself 100% of the time and not find it strange.  Luckily…
After his miso soup, he did manage to pause long enough to ask me…

“Have you dated a lot of black guys?”
“Excuse me?”
“Have you dated a lot of black guys?”
“I’ve been out with a couple…why?”
“They must actually like your body type.”


I painfully got through a roll and some soy sauce, pondering how I ended up there…and then it was time to pay and leave…except that there was a good bit of time left until the movie was starting.
He suggested we round a couple bases.

Uh, no.

(Yes, yes, yes…I realize I should’ve sent him packing…no, I don’t know what I was thinking.)

We decided to go back to my apartment for a bit…I was hoping my roomates would create some kind of diversion.  I tried to gesture with my eyebrows and use sign language of sorts to describe how miserable I was to them while he sat on the couch watching “Jackass” on MTV and snorting with laughter.

A few minutes before the movie, we climbed back into my Jeep and headed to the theatre.  He pop-quizzed me on independent bands I’d never heard of and made fun of what he deemed my country-bumpkinness while proclaiming at every opportunity how cultured, how handsome, how popular, how talented, and how humble he was.

We watched a sob fest starring Don Cheadle and Adam Sandler as he whispered insults into my ear…again, more about my negative “vibe”…

As the credits rolled, I drove us back to my apartment to say goodnight.
I think we awkwardly side-hugged and as he drove away, I bypassed my apartment and ran directly across the hall to my best friend Andrea’s apartment.  I peeled off my velvet blazer, kicked off my heels and started sobbing.
Two sentences…gasp…into my…sob…story of the…squeak…awful…shudder…evening… we heard “KNOCK KNOCK” on the door.

It opened and there he stood.
He’d left his iPod in my car.

I back-hand wiped some of the raccoon black eye smudges of tears and makeup off my face and put my shoes on.  We walked back out to the car along with one of my roommates.
I unlocked the door, snatched his iPod, and handed it back to him.
With not so much as a glance in my direction…he wrapped his arm around my roomie and said…

“Goodnight Babe.”

One night not too many months ago as I lifted my hands in worship during the evening service at my church, I looked up a couple of rows to see him sitting there.

With his fiancee.

I’ll just bet she loves sushi…

and has a great vibe.

Hope today’s tale found you guffawin’ & gigglin’ cuties!

Stay tuned for next week’s episode… “Tambourine Man.”

Of Course He Left His Wallet At Home,

Purity, Pancakes, & Possibilities.

Rarely has a bite of fluffy lemon goodness been quite so profound.

Last weekend a boy was coming.  For the first time.
I had his favorite cereal in the pantry, his favorite ice cream in the freezer, and his favorite soda in the fridge.

I had champagne chilling for morning mimosas and organic berries ready to rest atop the Meyer lemon pancakes I was planning to flip on Monday morning after picking him up bright ‘n’ early at his downtown hotel.

Well, after an unsuccessful Sunday that included enough laps around the mall to rival an 8th grade group date, frustration-filled menu-explaining at a not-that-uppity cafe, and mention of the “M” word…  He and his duffel bag were on the road again before check-in.

So as not to let the pancakes go to waste, they were served to a gorgeous bunch of single ladies the next night…and as the bubbly tickled our tongues, we rolled in laughter at many a horrific dating tale (…mostly from me…) and soaked our wounds in syrup.

Here’s the thing though… it’s not just us & the Jonas Brothers rocking the purity rings and looking for love.

I know there are more of you out there, who have had a similar moment in a bar booth or a church pew… tossing your story of dating disaster into the mix…and here is where we’d like to welcome them, for the enjoyment and consoling and giggling of many.

So…check in weekly for a shake-your-head, forward-to-your-friends, feel-less-badly-about-last-Friday-night episode where names are changed, and details are unfortunately true!

Join us next Monday for Episode 1… “Boobgrabber.”


Of Course He Left His Wallet At Home,