My best friend penned this response to the winner of Wednesday night, and his words had me laughing so loudly and so racously, I couldn’t not share.
Away we go…
“Ok, ok…. I am caught between two emotions here; on one hand I want mock this guy like he’s a cheesy guest star on The Fresh Prince of Bel Air – and on the other hand I want to quietly support you in getting to know him better; for maybe he IS like a fine wine. He could get better with time, and he has probably spent a lot of time in a basement.
….looks like I’m leaning toward a Fresh Prince response eh?
So seriously – who actually IM’s like that? Do 34 year olds actually know about IM?
Wait….was he on To Catch a Predator? Is that how he knows about online chats?
…Think about it, we started IM’ing when we were maybe what, 17 or 18? Which means IM became part of his life AFTER college…which means he grew up USING A PHONE.
Which is probably my biggest problem with this IM conversation = that it is an IM conversation.
Think about the people you call; people in your life you don’t like. This is part of our society – calling people on a phone. What is NOT engrained in our social fabric? Naked Twister. Even the porn industry has passed that idea up… (Well, that’s an undocumented guess on my part.) ANYWAY…
And while I’m at it, whoever thinks it’s ok to bring up the past when there is the next thing present is socially inept. When you bring a new puppy home; you don’t even mention the old puppy to the new one – and this is DOGS we’re talking about here. (Well, I guess it’s a universal rule – never mention old bitches…)
My point is: REAL mean don’t ever put REAL women in uncomfortable positions of comparison. EVER. Women should not feel compared to exes, billboards, mother-in-laws, pastor wives, and so on. The fact that men do it on a regular basis just needs to stop. (Sorry for the quick rant.)
This, however, leads to my next rant about awkward men.
Gone are the days when the rough man could still wear a suit out and look good smoking an unfiltered cigarette all while discussing politics, wine, or the latest book he read. Nope, today’s topics include delightful pieces of baggage like “ex fiancées”, “computer chat room experiences”, and “flirting by calling you names.”
To be clear this is how I read your conversation:
Him: hey im insecure and use poor grammar
You: Oh hey Dream Boat! I’m super excited and being deliberate in getting to know you!
Him: whatever my sh*t don’t stink
You: HAHAHA! I give you the benefit of the doubt in everything you say!
Him: that reminds me that I hate to try and don’t pursue women but hope in desperation that one will eventually fall for me also I have a unibrow
You: YOU. ARE. GREAT. How did you know exactly what to say to me?
Him: i don’t actually engage you I just feel like its my turn to write something
You: That’s OK! How are you doing? I am interested in talking with you!
Him: i am actually asleep
You: HAHAHAHA! You’re not funny but I will act like you are!
Him: the tone of everything I write is so effn painful but I think im hilarious and want to be as lazy as possible with interpersonal relationships and accuse you of dumbass observations
You: Exclamatory statement here! This is me masking how much I am projecting a personality onto you!
Him: people think I am awesome and I agree
You: I am interpreting you’re absent mindedness and inability to talk like an adult as a sign of your latent genius.
Him: you use big words
You: I am still in denial about your amazing personality.
Him: I only have a cell number because my parents have a family plan so its affordable but if you call I am probably too busy reading sideways stories from wayside school
You: Thanks for talking with me!!!
….and those are my thoughts.”
I’ve said it once and I will say it again… I have the best friends.
Thank God that mixed into my life are great men who really “get it” … men like my brothers, and best friend, and Luke Danes.
Until next time!
Of Course He Left His Wallet At Home,