Unlimited Soup, Salad, & Awkwardness.

Okay okay… I don’t want to talk about, I **eeek** don’t really want to admit it, but as my social circle has shrunk and my church has baby-boomed and my job consists of 1 single man… who’s gay & cute as a button in short-shorts…  my dating world has now shifted completely on it’s axis.

Helloooooooo magical land of the internets. 
What’s up world wide web?
Will you answer the age old question of “Will Kate find love or will she grow to be the New York Time’s subject of splashy headline ‘World’s Oldest Virgin’?!”

It’s not going well.
It hasn’t been going well.
And while it’s all quite laughable, and has given me fodder for my currently-being-scripted special “Comedy Central Presents: Kiss My Ass Dr. Neil Clark Warren” …some of it is just unbelievable.

Let’s start with the basics.
Please do not try to make a love connection with me if:
*Your only photos consist of you just out of the shower snapping your wet abs with your camera phone.
Please, find some friends, or borrow your neighbors friends, take them to a ball game… any ball game… and have someone else take a pic of you laughing and/or high-fiving.  Anything that resembles normal, healthy, adult friendships and your capability of having a normal life.

*Don’t create a screenname that ends in “izzle” …no…I don’t care if “JSmith27” is taken, try again. Here are some real examples of other classics we’re dealing with folks: “Lookyn4MyQween”, “HotBodyBachelor”, “SexyStoner”, “DoUJuannaBeer”, and my personal favorite… “InsecureWalrus.”

*Try not to be creepy. Harder said than done apparently, seeing as how one bespectacled gentleman listed his interests as “Burlesque shows are pretty nice.” And a triathelete informed the online dating world and all interested females that “If your thighs are bigger than mine, I can tell you right now, we won’t fall in love.”

All that to say, there are minefields and beartraps galore in this sticky world of cyberspace mingling, and yet…after a longer-than-I’d-want-to-admit trial period… I thought I might have stumbled upon a keeper…

A tall, Jesus-loving, goofball 6th grade teacher with his MBA who claimed to be hilarious, with precious Eeyore eyes that lived not too far away.

We began communicating, and when the amount of time I deemed “long enough for him to want to ask me out to dinner” had passed by, I was surprised to hear from him that he was, in fact, not interested because I… wait for … no really… get ready…

was too dry and low-key.

What? …I’m sorry WHAT?!
I was speechless; which is also quite out of character.  (Must have creeped up on me along with the low-key dryness.)

After a day or two of processing HOW IN THE WORLD he would’ve gotten that impression, I sent him a little e-mail  (after a proofread by my best buddy Zach) and attempted to simeoultaneously convince him that if he was looking for a girl that wasn’t dry and low-key, than DING! DING! DING! Here I am! and also that I wasn’t a desperate creep just sitting around waiting for his invitation to the Olive Garden.

 Well, it worked, and within hours he sent me a sweet lil’ message asking me out to dinner next week when he’s on Spring Break.

And then…whilst traipsing happily along in “thinking of which shoes I’ll wear” clouds… SNAP! …and there went the iron teeth of “this place ain’t for you sister” around my ankles.

The next night he initiated a conversation…on INSTANT MESSENGER. 
(Yes, the same tool that was used for “Hey, meet me after class tomorrow” ten years ago when I was a pocket-sized-dorm-room resident.)  IM? No…not for me.  But, I caved…

And below…
For your viewing pleasure…
Is truly the most painful conversation I’ve every tippy-tap-tapped.
(You’re welcome.)

“Him: hey putz
Me: Hi! …oh geez… back to the classic IMing… I hate this 😉
Him:well i hate emailig so you can mega bite me;) takes too long…so if we go out can we play naked twister and practice our skills at kungfu sheep shearing
do you text?
Me: Why yes, I do… I also have a lyrical speaking voice and am fabulous “live & in person”
Him: lol i am burnt out talking on the phone, my ex and i were long distance so i was on the phonea lot, i’m enjoying not having to be 🙂
Me: Yeesh, hmm, ok
Him: lol i know i know i’m difficult i just like keeping it casual
Me: Ditto
Him: at least at first
Me: Ditto
Him: so can i say something without sounding like too much of a guy?
Me: Hahahaha, go for it
Him: well i like your curves….in my previous relationship, she had absolutely no curves…while that shouldnt ultmately matter, it’s nice when a girl has the curves, more feminne that way 🙂
***Time lapse***
Me: Honestly, I’m realllllly low-pressure… I’m glad we’re going to go out in a couple of weeks, but I really rather meeting someone and seeing what they’re like “in real life”, so I’m A-ok with you not calling every 5 minutes.  It’ll be fun to get to know a total stranger… hope you’re awesome. 
Him: i dont like spending too much time chatting before meeting….no expectations that way
Me: I totally agree
Him: i went on a date last weekend, but wasn’t feeling it
Me: I don’t know what to say about that… I don’t think I’m too sad for you.
Him: too sad?
ohhh got it
Him: she and i had talked a long tme ago, before i met my ex fiance so we never met before
Me: Well, I’m sorry if the night was awkward or uncomfortable…but hopefully we’ll have a grand ol’ time
Him: oh it was fine, i’m a pretty outgoing guy, so i can do friendly no matter what
by the way, you’re a liar
Me: What?
Him: your profile says you want someone 25-33 and i’m 34, punk
Me: Well, yes, you’re old… I plan on bringing you a bottle of Centrum Silver as a nice gesture
Him: well it looks like someone will be getting her bottom lip pulled over her head soon
do you not ever chat on FB
Me: No… I am super intentional about relationships and can’t focus when dozens of people out of my ridiculous amount of wonderful friends are trying to carry on a conversation with me at the same time. I like being wholly “there” while someone is communicating with me
Him: i am like that in person but not just chatting on the compputer
Me: Maybe if I meet you in real life and you seem just wooonderful and not at all like someone whose face I might someday see at the Post Office, then we can be facebook friends and you can chat my ears off….or type my eyes out, or whatever the equivalent of that phrase might be
Him: ok but if i chat your ears off, i would have a hard time being physically attracted to you, maybe?
and ditto with the eyes
Me: Mmmmm, good point.  Luckily I have an AWESOME personality… and I’m super humble.
Him: and funny
Him: how much do you put on physical attraction? does it play a very big part in if you like someone
Me: Yes…Probably more than I should… but I’ve found that dating men ONLY because they’re hot isn’t what I want… (and just saying they love Jesus isn’t enough either.)
Him: i need attractive physical plus personality, one or the other and i’m not interested
Me: Well Chris, you sound like a guy who knows exactly what he wants
Him: i’m finding it hard to find a gril wh doesnt have kids, it’s getting tougher and tougher as i get older and older 😉
Me: Wow
Well. I don’t. Sooooo, there’s that.
Him: i have been talkig with a girl on the christian dating site i’m on but she has kids so i dont have much interest which sucks becasu she seems pretty cool
Me: Hmmmm, Iiiiiiii’m getting a little awkward… I’m sorry these other girls aren’t working out for you, but I don’t know if I’m the one to chat about it with
Him: hmmm….i think you might have your hopes up too much already maybe? i’m just looking to hang out for an evening as i do with others
if there is something there, awesome
Me: No, not at all, I just think that’s awkward
Him: why?  if you and i aren’t going out i guess i dont get it
Me: I totally agree, I don’t need any drama or expectations, but I also don’t want to fill you in on guys I may or may not be talking to or dating
Him: oh i wouldnt mind if you did
Me:  That’s ok… this is why I don’t love IMing, it’s too hard to sense someone’s tone or what they mean… I really appreciated all that you put in your profile, especially about the Lord, and you seem great… if we get to hang out, that’ll hopefully be fun, and we’ll just see what happens.
Him: ok i just dont’ want expectations…i’ve been there before on both ends and feelings get hurt that way, that’s all just being totally upfront and honest i guess
Me:  So have I…it’s not fun.  I don’t have a “Heartbreakers” tshirt for no reason.
Moving on… How was your day today?
Him: lol so does that mean i will fall madly for you and be crushed?
it was alright normal day i suppose
Me: Imparting wisdom and changing lives? …yea…totally typical. 🙂
Him: i won a teaching award so the news came to interview me and film me teaching
Me: “normal day I suppose” !!?!?! Looks like I’m not the only LIAR! That’s so wonderful! Congratulations!
Him: lol thanks
well i’m gonna get off of here now, homeslice
Me: ok, have a good night!
Him:  555 243 8587 if you wanna text me”


…and wow, here I am, yet again… speechless.
I can’t even choose a favorite part…
What’s yours?

My darling bestie Kate McKallagat wrote a draft of what should be my response… (I have the greatest friends. ‘Tis true.)


“Dear Chris (wait. is it Chris?),

I hope you’re having a great week (IN ALL HONESTY – I DON’T REALLY CARE, BUT HOW ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO START THIS E-MAIL?). I just wanted to shoot you a quick e-mail because I don’t think I’m going to be able to meet you for dinner in a couple of weeks (SCRATCH THAT. NO WAY IN HELL ARE WE GOING ON A DATE). The more we get to know each other (I.E. – THE MORE YOU USE WORDS LIKE “PUTZ” AND “HOMESLICE”) the more I am pretty sure that not only am I really not the kind of girl you’re looking for (I LOVED LIVING IN NYC AND I WOULD WEAR PEARLS TO YOGA), but you’re also not what I’m looking for (BECAUSE YOU DON’T NEED TO PROVE ANYTHING TO HIM). I don’t mean to offend you (BUT I WILL TELL YOU THE TRUTH – ESPECIALLY SINCE YOU THINK IT’S COOL TO TELL ME ABOUT OTHER DATES YOU’VE BEEN ON) – I know you gave me a second shot and I do appreciate that. I just don’t want us to waste our time (BECAUSE, TRUST ME – THAT IS THE CASE HERE). Take care!
Kate “I use product not DEP gel” Martin”

Which I think is pretty perfect, but I am now accepting submissions for replies.

I am also accepting suggestions as to where to meet someone that doesn’t inclue: work, church, Target, Bible Study, restaurants, bars, Indiana, & the internet. 
All I was hoping for was a little fettucine and maybe someone who didn’t think naked Twister was a swell first date suggestion and had never thought of, much less typed out, the phrase “Megabyte me” … oh well. 

Until next time!

Of Course He Left His Wallet At Home,


One response to “Unlimited Soup, Salad, & Awkwardness.

  1. Let’s see…what doesn’t include “work, church, Target, Bible Study, restaurants, bars, Indiana, & the internet” you might ask??? My answer is my wedding! There’s bound to be an eligible little nugget of a guy there. I’ll check my guest list (;

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